Dating

It must be something in the air lately, but I’ve had more people than usual tell me that they met someone whose ex is still in the picture. I was asked if they should continue to hope that the person that they’re interested will get rid of the ex.

Basically if your interest’s ex is around, you may have a problem. If the person that you’re interested in refuses after a long while to push the ex away and focus on you, you may want to focus on other options. Ex’s can be messy and you don’t want any part of that drama. You also don’t want to get your heart smashed to bits.

Here’s some hope for you. For the most part, not all but many people will push their ex out of their life if there is a potential new person in the picture. If they person is interested in you and they want more, there’s no need for the ex to be anywhere around. Slowly but surely, you may start to represent the present and future while the ex will just represent the past.

If the ex is in the picture and s/he wants your interest back and/or you suspect that your interest still has strong feelings, it’s a situation you don’t want to be involved in. Don’t force them to get rid of the ex, but honestly express how you feel and take it from there. You can’t make someone do something that they’re not willing to do.

You may have asked this question in the past or maybe you’re wondering it now. It can be a difficult situation to be in.

If you really like the person that you’re dating, why would you date other people? Well if this person is dating other people or doesn’t want a relationship, then you are free to date other people. If they tell you that they don’t want you dating other people when either they don’t want a relationship or they’re already dating others, you may want to reevaluate things. The person that you’re dating has their cake and wants to eat it too.

I’ve been in this position before. The guy told me he didn’t want a relationship so I started dating other people. When I told him I was dating others, he got upset, but I had already told him that after our discussion he basically gave me permission to do so. He quickly changed his mind on us “casually dating” and we moved onto exclusive.

Be aware that if you do decide to date other people, the person that you’re already casually dating may get upset. The situation could go one of three ways- they could cut ties completely, continually casually dating you or decide to move to exclusive. The only way you can truly know what’s going on is to simply ask first before you do anything. If you’re casually dating someone, there’s no reason at all that you can’t date other people, that’s why it’s called casually dating and not exclusively dating.

Casually dating isn’t so complicated, that is, until you realize that you want to take it to the next level and be exclusive with the person you’re interested in. Granted, it doesn’t have to be complicated, but sometimes it is. So how do you take your casual dating relationship to exclusive?

It’s quite simple, you have to ask. Yes it’s scary, but it’s so much better knowing where both you and the other person stand as opposed to being clueless and trying to analyze every little thing that they do for some type of answer.

Here are the situations that could happen. S/he could either say that they have feelings for you as well and want to be exclusive, they don’t want to be exclusive and want to continue casually dating, or they’ll break everything off entirely. Being faced with these three options leads people to back off from bringing up the topic of exclusivity in the first place.

Let’s break down these situations.

If s/he wants to be exclusive, great, you got what you want and you can see where it goes from there.

They don’t want to be exclusive but want to continue casually dating you. Here’s the problem with this scenario. You could still go out and casually date other people, but while you’re also still casually dating this person, you’re heart is going to have some form of attachment and therefore you are less likely to be able to give your heart to someone else. They may not ever be able (or want) to be exclusive with you. You’re better off breaking it off all together so you can completely move on. Why would you sit there and waste your time with someone who doesn’t want what you want? This leads me to the third scenario.

S/he breaks off everything entirely after you bring up being exclusive. This is probably what scares a person the most out of the three options. Here’s the thing. If a guy or girl is given the option to be with someone that they have feelings for, chances are they’re going to jump at the chance. If the person has feelings and doesn’t take the opportunity, well then they have an issue that you can’t fix and they’re going to have to work through it themself.

If you let the person go and they don’t come back to you willing to work on things, then they’re not worth your time and you’re better off finding someone else. If they do come back, then they realized what they had, what they lost, and what they don’t want to live without.

I know from personal experience how much it hurts to be in a situation like this and how frustrating it can be. However, I also know that it does, in all honesty, work out for the best.

It is incredibly important that while you are dating someone, you don’t lose who you are. There are too many people that start dating someone, only to forget everything that they loved before they met this person. The person that you are dating found you attractive in the first place, part of it is because you had your own life and you had your own hobbies. If that person doesn’t like it now, then maybe it’s time that you reevaluate your relationship.

Whatever hobbies you loved before, keep doing it! If you have no idea how to get back into it if you already feel like you have lost part of yourself, take small steps.

If you loved cooking, head to a cooking class and learn something new.
If you loved exercise, get up an hour early and go for a run.

There are those that were into dancing at clubs at all hours. If your significant other isn’t into doing this, you may just give it up all together. Suggest to your significant other that you go once in awhile with each other. If you don’t miss the club scene but miss the dancing, start taking a dance class.

You can also look for a volunteer opportunity that matches just what you are looking for.

Just remember, while you share your life with someone that you’re dating, it doesn’t mean that they should become your life.

I’ve heard from many people that a relationship scares the hell out of them. Maybe they’ve been cheated on before. Maybe a significant other passed away. Whatever the reason, it makes the thought of a relationship unbearable. Don’t get me wrong, relationships are scary and I can completely understand how it can freak some people out. However, there must be an understanding that not all people are the same. Not everyone is going to hurt you. Say you meet a great woman and you end up blowing her off because you’re scared. What did you get out of it? You don’t have the woman you want, and your fear certainly isn’t going to keep you warm at night. Not to mention if your ex is the one that hurt you and that’s why you’re scared, you’re letting your ex have power over you. Who the hell wants that? You want to feel loved and you want to be happy, why should you let your ex have all the fun of finding their own person? However, don’t rush into a relationship, take the time to develop one.

Allow your heart to be open. Let yourself find the love you want and that you deserve. The benefits of love are worth more than not taking the chance on it in the first place.

I see it everywhere and it truly bothers me- the lack of chivalry. For example, I was standing in a crowded New York City subway car and who should be standing next to me but a quite pregnant woman. Apparently the large amount of guys sitting in the seats saw no reason to get up and offer their seat to her.

Men don’t realize the benefits of chivalry. Not only does it put positive energy out into the world and its just nice to do in general, but it’s a way to get a woman’s attention. Women like men, not boys, and part of being a man is knowing how to treat, and have respect for, women. Personally, if I saw a guy notice that a pregnant woman was standing there and he didn’t offer her his seat, I would completely blow him off if he tried to talk to me. I know I’m not alone in my thought.

So what happened to chivalry? Men used to hold doors open for women, bump into them accidentally and (gasp!) say “I’m sorry. Excuse me.” instead of giving a dirty look. Hell, men used to allow a woman to walk ahead of him through a door instead of trying to beat her through, almost knocking her over. Now granted, not all men forgot the art of chivalry, however, there seem to be too many that don’t even bother with it anymore. I’m telling you guys, a little chivalry can definitely go a long way.

Did you ever have a friend that as soon as they found a boyfriend or girlfriend, they suddenly started to vanish? The calls became less frequent and they hung out with you less and less. Probably. You may even be one of those people. Now granted, it may be that you see this friend less because suddenly you have another person that you share your life with where you have a second set of family obligations to deal with along with alone time that you would like with this other person, but most people don’t let it affect their friendships to a severe point.

What if this friend flat out told you that they couldn’t go out anymore because they had a boyfriend? It happened to me and yes, I was extremely hurt. This person flat out told me that because they had a boyfriend they could no longer get lunch, go for a walk or to get some coffee. This person stated that they had a future to plan with this person that they were dating. However, I was told that I could occasionally stop over the house if I wanted to. I was also told that things are different then from the person that I am dating because she hasn’t been dating this guy that long (they’ve been dating for two years). Not relatively new in my opinion. Apparently this message has also been relayed to her other friends who see no problem with her saying that she is not going to be going out anymore and sees no problem with the fact that she doesn’t ever pick up the phone when she’s in his presence.

As much as I care for this friend, it’s simply not worth my time and my hurt has turned to an “I don’t care attitude.” I find no point in doing everything I can for a friendship that has a cloud looming over it. I’m definitely not the only person to have gone through this situation and I’m sure as hell not going to be last and frankly, it’s disappointing that some people don’t realize how precious a good friend can truly be.

Friends are important and it doesn’t matter if you are single, dating or you’re married. Friends are who you can turn to when you’re having problems and when you need a hug or a simple night out away from everything. Being friends with someone doesn’t mean picking up and dropping the person because you found someone to date. Your friends should be just as big a part of your future as the person that you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with.

I’ve been asked before if being friends with benefits is a waste of time. There’s a yes and a no to this question, unfortunately there’s no one set answer.

Friends with benefits can work if both people either have feelings for each other or both people don’t. It can’t work if one person has feelings for the other and it’s not reciprocated. I’m sure there are people out there going “But I can hide my feelings!”. No you can’t, not for forever anyway. How realistic is that? Besides, why would you want to do that to yourself? You’re wasting your time with someone that says they have no interest in you when you have an interest in them. Plain and simple, that situation will not work. If the person comes around later on and realizes they have feelings for you then great you can make you decision then. However, once you put yourself out there and decide that you really want more with this person and they don’t reciprocate, make a run for it before you’re the one that gets hurt.

Now, for the question on if friends with benefits can become more. Absolutely they can. I know more then one person, myself included, where a friends with benefits situation has turned into much, much more. Now here’s the slightly scary part. You actually have to discuss with the other person if that’s what the person wants and if the feelings are there to go further. What goes on after that is all up in the air. The friendship is there as is the sexual attraction which is always a fabulous way to start exclusively dating this person.

I say if you’re friends with benefits with a person that you’ve developed feelings for, go for it and put yourself out there. The other person may feel the same way but be too nervous to say anything. If it’s not reciprocated, then at least you found out before your feelings ran too deep and you know where both of you stand. You can make your next decision on what to do from there.

I kind of feel bad when people tell me that they met this really great person, they hung out once or twice and talked on the phone a few times. Then after that the “really great person” suddenly became busy. They return a phone call a week later and when you bring up the idea of going on a date they change the subject or make some type of joke. It’s even worse if they complain to you how horrendously busy they are and how they have no time to do anything with their friends.  Here’s why I feel bad.

The people that tell me these stories believe that the person is interested in them. If what I said to you sounds familiar, here are some hints as to why the person is not interested in you.

*If the person wants to talk to you and they’re interested in you, they’ll make every effort possible whether it be via phone call, text message, instant message, email, messaging through a social network, etc etc etc. There are so many quick and easy ways to get in contact with someone that it’s hard to NOT talk to someone. When someone meets a great person, they’re not going to keep themselves from contacting them no matter how busy their lives are. How long does it really take to send a quick email?  If you haven’t heard from them in awhile and they suddenly send you a text or an email out of nowhere and say “I’m sorry I’ve been soooo busy” then chances are they’re not very interested in you.

* When you talk to this person and they change the subject or make a joke when you ask them to go on a date or hang out, they’re avoiding giving you an answer because they don’t want to go. If someone asks you to hang out and you want to, you’re going to respond with something along the lines of “Sure, what do you have in mind” not “Wow you want to take me to a sushi restaurant. I had sushi last night. Let me tell you how sushi is made…”

* If a person has a feeling that you’re going to ask them for a date and they start complaining about how busy they are before you even say a word about it, they’re sending out a vibe to you not to ask them to do anything. If someone wants you to ask them to hang out or ask them for a date, they’re going to hint at you that they have free time sometime.

Basically if a person wants to see you and talk to you, they’ll make the effort to do so. Even people like doctors who work days straight and businessmen who constantly travel still have time to see and talk to people that they’re interested in, even if it’s only to see or talk to that person for a few minutes. Save yourself the hassle, don’t constantly question about why this person isn’t interested in you and instead find someone who is.

You go on a fabulous date with someone. The conversation is outstanding, the chemistry is strong and they tell you they’re going to call you. A week later, you’ve heard nothing. You think to yourself- What the hell happened?

Well one of three things happened. Either the date didn’t go as well as you thought, something personal happened to them or the person choked, liked you, but didn’t know where to go from here. Believe me, I’ve had numerous friends and acquaintances who’ve done all three.

I’ve had friends or acquaintances who have been on either end of the misinterpretation of the date. A guy friend of mine went out with this girl, told her he was going to call her and never did. His date was an acquaintance of mine. The girl thought the date was great, my guy friend was bored silly. He stated that he was going to call her because he actually was. Then he backed out at the thought of having to deal with another boring conversation.

I’ve personally been involved in the “something personal happened” reason. I told a guy I would call him and one of my close friends ended up going through a really rough time. I ended up being there for her and it completely slipped my mind to call the guy. When I finally did, he got annoyed that I didn’t call him earlier and didn’t want to talk to me without ever hearing the reason why.

The third reason may sound stupid, but it definitely does happen. The person thinks that you’re too good for them or they just really like you, they have no idea what to do next and get too scared to call you so they just don’t. Surprisingly enough, to some people the mere idea of screwing up is more powerful then the possibility of being with someone.

If a person doesn’t call you after what you think is a fabulous date, then the best thing that you can do is forget about it. If the person wants to talk to you, they’ll make an effort to do it. If something personal happens, then after they go through it you’ll receive a phone call. Don’t sit there and think “What did I do?” because that is the worst possible thing that you can do. Don’t waste your time caring about someone, that doesn’t care about you. If the person calls you after a couple or a few weeks, don’t read them the riot act about why they didn’t call you. Give them a chance to explain themselves. Any good person is going to be willing to apologize for not calling earlier.

Don’t get me wrong, it will definitely be rough if you think you found an amazing person and had an outstanding date, but you won’t have a choice but to get past it. What you can do is get more involved in your hobbies, in your work and in your friends. The best thing you can do to keep your mind off one thing, is to get it involved in another.